Goodbye...

Goodbye wide smile, sideways winks, misshapen hearts.

Who knows if I shall ever see the scars above those pretty blues again.

Memories ring through my mind thus restricting my chest from breathing, my eyes from seeing clear, and today from being ordinary.

The salted water can't be reabsorbed into my body,

so much of it fought off or drained.

Gifts to be stared at in their hiding places.

Attempts to avoid pressing send.

To take back a tally score;

to take back gold stars that sparkled over our heads.

Yet to utter the words,

a dance is on our tongues.

The strings to my heart play flat,

the music sounds faint,

and you hold the pick.

To say goodbye would be a bold move.

The closest I can get is

au revoir,

giving me a hope that tomorrow will allow me to see

what's invisible.

#9

Sometimes when I have a bad day or I feel that emptiness I listen to that recording. I can’t get myself to delete it ever. I just keep pressing the number 9 on my dial pad that lets me save it. 9. There’s just something about that number. It’s my favorite number and astrology says it’s supposed to be my lucky number. It’s the voice in the message that I want to hear. It makes things seem normal. It makes my world seem less complicated. It’s as though the words are telling the truth for any and every day. It’s what I wish for.

Or should I just let go?

Pain

Pain. Write about pain.

Well I feel I’ve been feeling it quite frequently to be honest and I’ve seen others feel it too. There’s pain like jamming your fingers between metal outside in the cold rain. There’s pain like finding out someone you know has died. There’s the pain of watching someone near death. There’s the pain of watching someone you love die right in front of your eyes.

There’s the pain of knowing what you aren’t being told. There’s the pain of being told what you wish you didn’t know. There’s pain in the eyes of someone with scars and pain watching that person with scars. There’s pain in heartache. There’s pain in wondering what could have happened. When everything seems to keep going wrong there’s pain.

Pain in struggling times, pain in figuring out your life, pain in figuring out your future, and pain in figuring out what you want. Pain in watching what you want walk away. Pain in watching others move on. Pain in not being able to talk to who you want to. Pain in feeling unwanted. Pain in being confused. Pain in being let down. Pain in being disappointed. Pain from keeping your thoughts inside.

Pain in pain.

We all wish that perhaps pain would only come from accidentally pricking yourself with a needle but pain comes from everywhere all the time. And sometimes it happens all at the same time. But like the song, I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all.

Pride

A thing we all need to get past.

365 days has taught me on thing and that's questions.

Yes, I question my thoughts. I look at everything at every angle.

To choose to look at the worst so I won't be disappointed.

I stare in other's eyes and attempt to to view situations through their eyes. I hope to see what I might have missed.

I evaluate in order not to be wrong.

That's where my pride lies.

To be wrong. Frames on the wall and cabinets full of paper suggest i shouldn't be.

Suppression of this pride came in choosing another path. To choose the affect on others than myself always holds priority.

365 days has taught me to be vulnerable.

I tore down a wall.

To be burned.

365 days of smiles, laughs, words, actions, silence, tears, stand stills, anger, encounters, glances, suspicions, and assumptions.

Am I foolish? At times it may seem that way...

but the question lies in this-

As time goes on would I rather look back and see what I allowed to disappear? Or review what I put energy into?

That I didn't try? Perhaps things would be different if I had swallowed my pride?

I don't want regrets or sadness looking back. To commit myself. To give my full.

To you a "hey" may mean so much and yet so little. To me it's three letters of pride being pulled back for an instance.

I may not know where the next step is going, but I want to give subjects and people the opportunity to remain in the mix somewhere even if things remain just as confusing as ever.

My skin can't swallow you

I'm stuck in skin that is elastic enough for growth but not spacious enough for you to slide in next to me, blend with me. I can hold five years of loosely tied, tumbling honey hair and barely suppressed giggles in my lap, share chunks of childhood with my first friends, lead the train of his thought as though it were my own, let you read my words. I can hold hands as glittering water shoes search for a grip on slippery creek stones, curl up with my mother on the sofa, tell you stories on a peeling picnic table while the man with his dog listens avidly. I can listen for as long as she needs me to listen, ask the questions my mother would ask, watch and predict, but even then my skin can't accommodate you. We don't shed our skins in one piece, Chelsea reminds us as Rosie the snake coils around her arm, and we can't swallow watermelons whole, can't spit out the rind. My skin can't swallow you, my muscles can't spit out your skeleton. How do you feel against your skin?

5 Feet of Anger

Welcome to the mind's mirage.

Surround yourself in rash emotions, and

in the power to ignore.

Let your mind and eye to fool yourself;

To play games with smooth, seditious actions.

Be cautious of the flames that could start within the head of the connection.

Afraid and paranoid of what could be faced.

Spend your time with friends and booze.

Drown out the fast pace life has chosen.

Trust yourself and yourself alone.

Create mysticism between what is fact and what is fiction.

Keep the upper hand.

Play sweet and innocent with arrogant, experienced conviction.

Know the truth,

but yield and divert your attention elsewhere

to preserve your pride and heart.

Move with the wind without consideration,

and allow yourself to sway out of what seemed familiar.

Change from your summer ways.

Pack a bag,

Lead a new path elsewhere,

and create a void.

Allow yourself to

f

a

d

e.

Run away and allow yourself to succumb to hiding from the paranoia

that comes from believing in

five feet of anger.

Ignore the wrath.

Avoid a slap.

Stay clear of the uncomfortable feeling inside.

Welcome to five feet of anger.

A place of your own making

Where questions are plenty

and answers don't exist...

Congratulations

A congratulations is in order.

How many ways are there to express the word

Congratulations-

I'm happy for you

That's spectacular

Good for you

To choose the least complex saying,

congrats.

Congrats for what,

for moving forward,

for forgetting your past.

Jubilation for settling,

and for finding what lies at the end of the rainbow.

Congrats...

for leading me to write the word,

to make a person feel hurt,

for creating a boycott.

Take a deep breath and pinch myself,

all for the curiosity of truth.