Remembering Worst Week Ever

Wake up before the sunrise to head to the snow for my sisters birthday. A couple hours in to the drive get pulled over for speeding. Get only a warning.

While sledding sled turns backwards and crash follows to which my head hits ground creating whiplash.

Go to eat lunch but sister decides to eat somewhere that only has the type of food I gave up while observing Lent.

Notice a light go on while driving stating my car was low on oil. Pull over. Put more oil in. Continue on drive. Low on gas. Take exit to get gas while sister continues without us.

A half hour away from home get a flat tire but am in construction zone so there's no where to pull out. Finally pull off to the side of the road because there's no exit in sight and the smell of burning rubber is in the air. Fire chief pulls over too to help change my tire in the warm weather. But wait! My special turbo car has locks on the rims so the tire can not be changed without a special lock made only by the company. Leaves my friend and I with Capri Sun's. Call parents. Call grandparent. Try with all my might from calling one person I know would help in this moment. Wait in the heat.

Talk to playingwithlight who after hearing the news is jinxed to run into a person they did not expect to see.

Four hours later the lock is vigorously broken off after already missing sister's birthday. Must travel home driving 50 mph on a 70 mph road.

Have anxiety attack while driving after dropping off friend. Make it home late.

Wake up next day to a sore neck from my sledding crash. Iron stops working on me completely when halfway done.

Spend a lot of money to get new tire and then car serviced. Jinx sister to where one of her new tires gets a non-fixable flat.

Try to get a loaned movie back to find the person is on a date yet for some reason is responding.

Wake up early one morning to a call that my grandma is going to the hospital.

Visit grandma in the hospital. Her kidneys are failing and there is talk of dialysis in her near future.

Not even 24 hours after having car serviced the check engine light comes on.

Find out place I made withdrawal from a long time ago did not file withdrawal and thus another attempt must be made.

Phone decides to turn off on its own accord at random moments and lose calls even when in perfect signal area. And the phone has not even been owned a year yet.

Tendinitis at my young age flares up.

Run into a person's brother unexpectedly.

Run into a person's uncle. Ten minutes later (right after explaining my odd luck of running into truck, person, truck, music) I run into person's cousin. Evening comes and hear about both from sister.

(Note: Though every day is a hectic unbelievable day this week was incredibly wild. Little oddities were left out but these are what really stuck out)

Sunny Rain

So, earlier today I experienced sunshine with rain. It's one of the most amazing feelings ever.

It's like butterflies in your stomach when that special someone calls you 'cutie'.

When your parent suggests that for breakfast you have pie instead of cereal.

Like a memory of running around outside all day to come in with new scratches on your knees, dirt on your hands, sweat dripping from running, and the flush from the joyous laughter that comes from the thrill of childhood. When the only thing you had to complain about was not being able to stay up for one more hour.

As though receiving a compliment from a random person.

That feeling when you find a couple bucks in your pocket that you had no idea were there since the last time you wore those jeans.

It's like turning on the radio and having your favorite song playing.

And makes you think of those moments when you can just look at a person and have them know exactly how you feel in that one glance.

So I'll admit inside my being there must have been a school girl giggling as I walked in that sunshine and rain.

Wanted and Needed

The female sex. Tan, hair done, nails painted, perfume, closet full of clothes, and make-up on her counter. They try to flatter their curves, height, and special features to make them stand out to the opposite sex. They would like to be wanted.

The male sex. Muscular, big trucks, tools everywhere, car knowledge in their mind, and tense jaws when ready to fight. They want to be needed.

This is how the world goes round.

Should a girl be incapable of opening a jar they will cry “honey”. A girl that can’t change a tire dials his number. When a girl needs to cry she needs that shoulder to cry on. A guy wants to protect, to provide, and to be the rock. He wants to be needed.

Girls would like the male to want to introduce her to his family, for him to think of her in the back of his mind all the time, to make her his baby mama, and to be there when he needs someone to be vulnerable to. She wants him to call her because he wants to hang out. Chase her, because boys chase what they want.

The problem?? These needs and wants might confuse people.

Just because a guy shows interest does not mean as a woman that you have to automatically invest in a relationship. This does not mean to develop feelings just because of a little interest. Do not fall for slight attention. Know when you’re falling for the attention and when you’re falling for the actual guy.

And just because a girl can take care of herself at times does not mean that she does not need you in her life. A little independence is good so appreciate it because she won’t become annoying. She keeps you for those especially hard moments in life when she needs true comfort. She needs you in order to keep her happiness. That’s ten times better than her needing to know how to boil water.

But the world goes round. Relationships end and begin in continual chasing for to be needed and allowing to be chased for to be wanted.

Doors close

Rain will always fall. Sun, when out from behind clouds, will always shine. When I place my foot on this pedal the wheels will always move. The music I listen to will always reflect the mood I'm in.

That scar on your eyelid will always be there. The burns will always be on your knuckles in summer. The smell of shaving cream will always remind me of grandpa.

Jason Aldean will always remind me of the summer of my unexpected. Los Lonely Boys will always remind me of my last summer of sisterhood.

My first Twix and my first flight will always remind me of the orange colored Missouri in fall. And my cousins doors.

Doors.

I'll always remember the door closing for the last time. Seeing the face of these people for the last time in slow motion. A solemn goodbye. Always walking already wishing to change that last moment because deep down it seems I knew in that time frame I could have melted in that spot.

My heart, the one I surround with metal gates of pride, transforms into a waterfall of molten iron once that door closes for the last normal time.

In my mind their voices toll.

There's a wish to have taken them in one last grasp and whispered I love you in their ear. A whisper to hold truth within every decibel. A whisper that makes a person hold the fragile sweetness within the sparkle of the light that reflects in their eye.

But instead the door closes as their eye is overcome by shadow.

To Dream

A dream that you still wanted me. A dream to wake me up into my living nightmare.

To breathe your sweet smell when you're there. To breathe a memory when you no longer are.

To see a smile on my face thinking of moments shared, being with you, laughing at your jokes. To force a smile in order to try and move forward.

To write with your hand moving mine. To write with the thought of you flowing in my blood down my veins to my hand, to my pen.

To drive aimlessly in search of nothing next to you in the cab of a truck. To drive aimlessly in search of escape and of you.

To love unknowingly. To love knowingly and unconditionally too late.

To sing with the words of that cd. To sing louder than the thoughts that pound in my head.

To listen to your voice for hours. To listen to your voice only in a 20 sec message.

To believe in the moment moving forward. To believe the moment is only momentary.

True. Too good to be true.

As a child pain is described as blood, scabs, and tears.

Now there's an understood worse pain. The erasing of a person from your life. A person dying too young, too soon, too painful. Too many of these have I dealt with. A person deciding to leave you in ambiguous motives. Their known existence hurting your core and haunting you as though they died too.

So to dream. To hope to see them in this altered state. To breathe, to smile, to write, to drive, to love, to listen, to believe all in passion.

Today

Warmth all around

A kiss from the sun leaves my cheeks pink

Windows rolled down

my hair gets tossled

the sweet smell of bloom, green, grass,

life

vibrates through my body from head

to toe

the world smiles

in sparkle of reflecting

light

Today

maybe today

perhaps this time

I'll be anew

I'll forget the chaos for a small portion

of time

and melt

into the surrounding perfection

of the now in its

simplest

kind

form

Patient Melon (December 2009)

This morning,
my melon was loud with blandness
and my Nantucket orange juice
burned at my mouth
with acidity.
I am not one for whom
orange juice
is usually too acidic,
and I am not one for whom
disappointments are usually everywhere.

This morning tastes like waiting,
like the unplugging of appliances
and the cleaning of the refrigerator,
like sandwiches for dinner
and darkness falling at five,
like the first time that even Michael Bublé disappoints,
in a too-clean, too-empty room.

And this morning, the one that tastes like waiting,
I look down at my fingers to see
the good fork,
the real silverware,
making stabs at the patient melon.
I had thought to use plastic.

Closure.
My feet carry me to the kitchen
on a special trip for this fork,
and I wonder why I attach myself
to the concept of years,
this invented ending.
Tenderly,
I wash this fork,
just this fork,
and under the fluorescent lights of my room,
it sparkles.

Maybe I’ve forgotten how to be alone,
but I don’t think so.
Sitting in silence,
I roll my tongue over my lips, my teeth, the roof of my mouth,
tasting my own flavor.

Amanecer.
To tumble sadly between clean sheets
for four hours
and wake up in Los Angeles,
to wake up to an obnoxious cell phone alarm
and rush out of bed
thinking that it will wake her,
only to remember
she has gone,
to shine the cell phone light on her empty bed,
just to make sure.
To dress,
to eat melon whose patience
has exhausted its flavor,
and drink orange juice whose pH
merits contemplation,
to zip dense suitcases,
to leave this place and this year
disappointed in my breakfast,
and you.

To stand and fall,
maybe even the ending of this day is invented,
and still you say nothing.

Post-It

So you can remember, so you know it won't change, and to make it understood.

Because it's where our story begins. Because it relates to how my life is. Alway reading and writing. They fill the pages of my book. I get happy when I pull them out. The colors help me to study by separating and coordinating my decided categories.

Study study study.

And then a post-it falls in front of the pages and my eyes lift to see what has re-entered my life.

Ok...k

What more can you want? You want me to be there. You want me to need you. You want me not to be clingy. You want me to want you. You want me to talk. You want me not to text you. You want me to care. You want me to focus on me. You want me to live while I'm young. You want me not to do anything you deem crazy, a.k.a. everything. You want me to come. You want me to go.

What about what i want? So afraid of losing you I lose my courage to bluntly state my feelings. I want...you...unconditionally.

Red Neon

(from earlier this year)

I like to live like I'm driving. Fast and wondering what's around the next turn. Most find fast too complicated. But for me it's when life goes slow that I becomes disoriented. I'm so use to things going one way that trying another can be unbearable. I'm staring out a wet car window at what my life has become and it's in red neon glaring back at me for having hampered my life by an entire year. I am not fine with that. I'm cold, my body aches, and I never have time to figure things out.

Are you proud mom and dad? You proud that you forgot to finish teaching your child?

Just continue to ignore the pain I'm in or the wetness under my eyes dripping like this rain on my window.

Bologna Sandwich

Life is a bologna sandwich. You're not too thrilled about the meat choice but you put it in anyway because it keeps that child inside you thriving like finger-painting. Sometimes you add a slice of the American cheese. And when you bite into it the cheese sticks to the roof of your mouth. Much like daily conquests it threatens to ruin your momentary experiences.

Other times you choose no cheese. You want to be different. You want something out of the norm. You want a 'hot dog'-esque sandwich. Thus you add ketchup and liven up your day. You make a risk that others might not agree with or approve of. But it comes out tasting good.

There are the days when you face your bologna sandwich like a grown-up. A mixture of all the things you must juggle and multi task and be responsible for. Lettuce, cheese, tomato, mustard, pepperoncini, etc. All the food groups of life at once. But you make it. In these complex and intricate moments of life all you can do is eat the sandwich because although it may seem like a lot in the end you'll be satisfied. And in the end your innerself, your inner kind, innocent, young, learning heart is always there-in that bologna.

My Something Unexpected

It’s like trying to put smoke back in this cigarette. What does that mean to a person? Well that song means a lot. It’s how I feel in this moment. It’s how I feel when I start to think of him; of that summer; of the waiting; of spending time together; of inside jokes; of everything. I can’t go a moment without something reminding me of time spent together.

So I decided to tie a rubber band to my wrist. Maybe behavior modification can occur and I can stop. Otherwise I spend my day saying ‘ugh’ every time something pops into my head. It’s hard. I never thought I would experience this much hurt. Not on a first relationship. Heck, I did not even expect to be getting into a relationship at the start of summer. I for sure thought it would be a couple years into college when someone would show up and be worth my while.

This was unexpected. But it was a good unexpected when it was still going on. It’s something you don’t plan for. But I guess a person never plans for these things now do they?

It’s weird because when things are good they’re good. I guess it’s worth the risk. I know he’s worth the risk of a broken heart. Or he was. I don’t know which anymore. Everything is just so complicated these days. What do you mean when you say I was clingy when I wasn’t until after the break-up? When I was trying not to lose you? Did you know that? I was trying not to lose you but in the end I did. Not as a friend apparently but as a possible boyfriend I did. Or did I? all I want is to clear things up because nothing has been finished. Yes our understanding of where we are at is finished but those conversations aren’t. I feel like there are still things to be answered. Things I need to know. Words have gone unspoken for the sake of what?

When you broke up with me first it was because things were stressful and you were busy. You thought you were being a terrible boyfriend and that I deserved someone who could give me all the attention I deserved as an "incredible girl" or whatever. We would be friends because you like talking to me and hanging out and I’m like the coolest girl you know or so you had said. I was like your best friend. The second time was because I had to make the wrong joke. A joke that reminded you someone you obviously did not want to be reminded of. She did something to you and I do not know what. But I am not her. I am not the same person. I do not want to hurt you. Things were so busy I couldn’t talk things out. I couldn’t work things out. I couldn’t fix what happened.

The next thing I know it’s like a second break-up. But why? Because I would be going to a big time university before you came back. The thought that perhaps I would cheat on you or find someone better was your reasoning. I’m a gorgeous girl you said and thus there would be men after me. And you couldn’t have me coming back to town just to see you. I’m sure. Before we even got together the thought was fine; things would work out. I say bull to those words. And our conversation couldn’t finish because again you had to get back to work.

Time passes and things seem fine but what the heck are we doing now that I’m staying. What would that mean? Does that change anything? I have no idea. Finally we hang out. Finally we’re talking. Finally you’re back. But you can’t like me like a girlfriend. But hey let’s text you four days later like old pals. Let’s not finish another conversation of discussing the fact that I was not clingy.

What sucks is wanting to talk to you about everything. I never met someone who could get me so well. I can talk to you and you will tell me what I don’t want to hear but they I should hear. It irritates me but in the end somehow you’re right and it makes sense. It gets me thinking more. And when I talk to you the troubles I say don’t hold stress anymore. It’s like having a weight lifted off of my shoulders. You’re the one I want to run to when things get tough. And it sucks because I don’t know if I can do that anymore.

All summer I was hoping things would work out and that you wouldn’t hate me for that miscommunication. Well apparently you don’t hate me but the other hope is gone.

This summer has just been so crazy. These last five years have been so crazy.

When you told me you didn’t like me as a girlfriend and that you didn’t mean to lead me on my heart sunk. But when you gave your supposed reason I started laughing. Not just about that lameness of the reason but because of life. I f"d things up majorly. I feel like maybe I made the wrong decision but then again after these few days maybe I didn’t. Everything was just hilarious. All the stupid stuff I have had to put up with and endure in order to get somewhere was just hysterical. Like my life is s**t but in a comical way. Then as the day progressed it was like “wow, my life is s**t” in a sad and upsettingly frustrating way.

What do I do with myself now? I drink energy drinks and listen to Party Like A Rockstar because there is no way I can listen to country music when I am this emotionally unstable.

You know, I talked to a lot of people this summer about life and love. I learned a lot of insight about college and a lot about relationships. My point is, this relationship seemed genuine and real. It seemed like something rare. Like something you dream about getting. But I guess it was just too good to be true. It was a teaser in my life. Let’s make her experience something good and then take it away. Let’s give her something good and have her act a fool and lose it. I get a boy and lose him all in one summer.

But it’s the time we were together that sticks in my head. Like a broken record player skipping over and over in my head of how wonderful this summer started. I was a girl who graduated all decked out at the ceremony because I accomplished what I set out to do. I was ready to go to college and make my parents proud. I had been talking to you through text because out of the blue you popped into my life. You found out about prom and you wrote your number on a pink post it with an exclamation mark. You left it with my mother who gave it to me. I put the number in my phone but I didn’t text. You did that. You got my number from your uncle who had it because of my sister a month prior.

Before you know it you and I were talking. I didn’t think much of it at first. How could you like me? I though you didn’t even know me. But you called me cutie and you said you liked me since freshman year.

Yes I remember you then. We were square dancing and you introduced yourself, shaking my hand in the process. You were the only guy to ever do that but it stuck in my head. I thought “wow he’s cute and he wanted to know who I was”. But I didn’t think you could like me. Who could like me?! I looked for you after that but then dance unit ended and I forgot. I heard about you through the years from my mother. She always wanted us to date. My sister did too once she met you.

SO we hung out. We drove around and talked about everything and anything. I didn’t want it to end but I didn’t want to bug you and I did have a girls night to attend to. There were many sweet things said and many acts done that showed we cared about each other. Finally we became a couple and things were good. In fact, things went fast. Emotionally but not physically which kind of made me like you that much more. You weren’t expecting anything. You liked me for who I was and that was enough.

I’ll never forget that last full day we had together because that was the day of the perfect moment. Now I only know one person who says a perfect moment can happen with anyone. And I know others who say it only happens with one person. Or maybe it wasn’t a perfect moment. I don’t know what it is anymore but for now it was a perfect moment. We were stuck in the heat in the orchards and we broke my car from you teaching me how to drive a manual. I had been just starting to do well with my car too ha. A guy starts to help him figure it out by checking under the hood. I sat down in the front seat with my legs out of the car and head leaning against the headrest in hopelessness. And that’s when it happened. You boys were standing away from the car looking at it and talking when you looked at me, smiled and winked. Something clicked in my head at that moment. Like everything was in ruins around me but everything was so perfect all at the same time. I wouldn’t have wanted to be with anyone else in that moment than you.You kept me calm and took control. The heat didn’t matter. The car didn’t matter. It was just like “alright. Alright I can do this. I can be with him”. Maybe this moment really is nothing. Maybe it will always be just a memory that I can’t forget. But it still happened.

So what is it? Are you just too busy for me? Are you just not at a stage in your life to be able to have a girlfriend as serious as me? What is it? I don’t mind being friends if that’s all I can get. But when things happen in my life there is only one person I really want to tell. And maybe that’s not the same for you.

But, I remember you calling me after a day of work though. You were driving home at the time and you had a real bad time with the guys at the station. I could tell you were po'd and that was probably the first time I ever heard you cuss. Lol. But the reception went out though. Point of the matter is you called to tell me your problems. You wanted to talk to me. I thought you were more open to me than I was to you. There was no problem in your telling me what was on your mind. Sometimes I thought twice about telling you what was on my mind but I would give in. I couldn’t keep anything back from you.

It was weird how well we got each other. I knew you were tired when you wouldn’t admit it on the phone and you knew when I was holding something back or felt bad about something. I knew when something was on your mind or bugging you. Ditto back. I wish I could take away your stress and your worries. I wish I could take back any pain you felt. But for you past is past no worries.

You offered to give up a shift to come see me. You thought of driving all the way back from your brother's to see me as well. You couldn’t wait for me to get back from Pismo Beach.

What I’m trying to say is I miss you. It was hard. I became a gumchewer, I didn’t eat much, and I was always actively doing something. I would read and pace. I would hike. I would take long walks. You saw me one day and that made me happy. You have no idea how much better of a mood I am in when I am with you.

You branded me with all sorts of stuff rather quickly. I got a shirt, you lent me a book, and I got a sticker. I gave you a pen. Ha.

"He ain’t feeling anything. My love my hurt or the sting of this rain. I’m living in a hurricane and all he can say is man ain’t it such a nice day. Hey hey I guess we’ll just go to waste like dead flowers." (Miranda Lambert - Dead Flowers)

I shouldn’t be trying to analyze everything but that’s who I am; an analyzer. What sucks is you're an analyzer as well. It’s all very confusing. I wish there was someone I could talk to who talks to you too. You have my sister.

You called her a couple days before our second break. Then you called her right before you called me and again right after you called me. I don’t know too much on what was talked about but there were some comments as to me being a goody goody, and my sister telling you that there are few people I trust. That when I trust them I give them my all; I would walk through fire for them. But what else was said? Why can’t you tell me? Why didn’t you tell me? Not only that but then she tells you not to tell me that you talked to me. And she waits a while before she even tells me that you got a hold of her. What was the text you sent her that got her mad? I want to know. Do I need to know? It might help me cope. It might help me deal.

It might help me understand why I lost you. Did I? how is it possible for a guy to break-up with a girl and yet talk about it with the sister? What is the point behind it? You obviously aren’t sure of what you are doing if you have to discuss it with someone else; especially when that person isn’t me. Do you just feel bad that I had to put up with this?

So now that we are going to be friends because I’m just a cool person, I begin to wonder how things will work. What will define our friendship and will you ever talk to me again? How weird will things be when you see my mother and sister or if I run into you in town though I doubt that will happen since it seems everyone else sees you but me. I wonder a lot and maybe that is not a good thing. Maybe one day this will all be easier. Maybe I do need to find someone else. But I don’t think that will happen for a long while.

You, the cowboy Casanova, will be able to find your next girl easy though. I hope she treats you right. But I will warn you she won’t be as smart as me nor as patient. I hope she can make you laugh like I did. Or more. You told me I was one of the few people who could make you laugh and that that was a good thing. You also told me that you could have a awful day and talk to me for five seconds and you would feel better.

I miss you. I was falling for you. And you, you were something unexpected.

Doesn't exist??

Rockstar: "he doesn’t exist it feels like. He doesn’t text me. He doesn’t call. He doesn’t get his hair cut. Instead I run into every other relative of his, but him"

playingwithlight: "I just don’t know. I really don’t. how can he be disappearing from your life with the appearance of all these firetrucks and other relatives in your life?"

Rockstar: "A sad goodbye? I don’t know. A drawn out ordeal. Or its to keep me thinking about him until something better comes along. Or I’m supposed to learn something from this experience. Or maybe he’ll come back years from now. I don’t know. And it sucks some major ballage."

playingwithlight: "This is not a goodbye. A goodbye involves two people interacting, not one person interacting with memories of the other. Major ballage hahahah…I suppose it could be a temporary goodbye… and if you’re supposed to be learning something, he better be taunted by memories of you too because he has some things to learn as well"

Rockstar: "yeah lol…. I doubt he’s getting any remembrances of me. At all. I know it involves two people but what if the universe is making the goodbye for us. We’ll drift apart and… idk.."

playingwithlight: "Depressing thought of the century…"