Day By Day

Life. Where do I start...

Sometimes life just seems rough to get through every single day. Getting through the week with the goal of reaching Saturday only to start the process back up again the next morning. When it's tougher than that your goal is getting through the day, or getting through the end of a shift at work, or making it to at least lunch.

At this point in my life my goal is a daily goal.

For about four months my heart has been aching. Metaphorically and physically.

I managed to lose a best friend and my grandma within a matter of days from each other. I cried so much my boyfriend had to stay home from work to take care of my ailing pains of loss.

I have dealt with so much drama...family drama, friend drama, work drama, school drama. So caught up in a whirlwind feeling hopeless. Losing sleep because of work, losing energy from crying every single day, burning myself out from homework, loss of appetite from food, and the growing pains of anxiety.

Eventually anxiety won over my body. Heart palpitations, emotional imbalance, and an eventual case of anemia.

Its hard to lose someone but I discovered how much harder it is to lose the stability of one's own life. On a daily basis my life seems decent or perfect as one of my friends would say. But, looking at the whole picture, knowing what runs through my head all day, feeling the pains that are in my chest all the time, taking a vitamin pill with a meal, and taking anti-anxiety twice a day have made me realize I am not stable.

But I find the goodness in my life that gets me through it all. I know how much my family loves me because they show that everyday with my mom constantly texting me. I know how much my boyfriend loves me with the hugs he gives and the sparkle in his eye when he looks at me even when I am make-up less with tears running down my face. I know how much he loves me by how he tries to be around me with every spare second he has. I have great friends who watch over me and realize that I am right when I say someone is acting foolish. By the late night conversations we have even when we are miles away from each other.

And I know I love me because I make the best decisions I can, I act responsible, and I have enough pride in myself to pay for my own things than allow a parent to do that for me.

This allows me to stop hurting and get sleep at night.

Perhaps we all go through pain at times to remember the things we should be grateful to have even when we lose what we once held dear. Maybe time will help us forget, but for now we take it day by day.

Once Garden

The world knows she blows where her tangle weed bends.

The weed grows ruining the once garden.

Uproots the flower-

Kills the beauty and color-

Creates patches.

The once garden no longer recognizes itself but pretends to be like other land of beauty.

Beauty it no longer is.

The garden next door it used to befriend blossoms in love, care, and enjoyment mother nature gives it.

This strong knowing garden looks at what once was akin to it and cannot recognize what the weed has corrupted.

The caretakers of the once garden turn their heads as well,

tired of trying to fertilize this area with good seeds.

The love from the caretakers no longer matters.

This trompe l'oiel will continue to become unrecognizable.

It's once admirers will no longer come...

they will no longer want to see this stubborn land be ruined

by one weed.

Go Back

Some days I just want to go back in time. Wouldn't it be nice to go back a few moments and just breathe? I would love to go back in time and look at you again. I could see your face and smile. I could breathe in the moment and senses surrounding us.

I love and care for people. Perhaps too much so that when they are gone I am left with a piece of my being missing. When I think of it though, I am happy to know I gave them that piece to keep forever and for always. In their hearts and in their mind they may themselves may go back and thus reminisce on days gone by.

To lose a dear one hurts something awful. There will be times you may want to go back but all I can do is know that I fought, I loved, I cared, and I was there whenever I could be.

To those I have lost...I still love you and hold you close to my heart.

North of You

Hello?!?!

It's me!!

Right here!!

Do you know I am here anymore?

I might know a lot of people...but who is here for me?

I call those who are my 'friends'

but all I get is a ring.

Two hours later and you call me back?

I take you places.

I open your the doorway for you.

But you let things get between us.

You leave me behind because apparently I do not matter.

I hand you my all.

My heart,

my care,

my attention,

my money,

my friends,

my car,

my money...

guess its a waste of energy.

My words mean nothing.

My intelligence and insight pushed aside.

Lets allow desires and lust,

others who can show you attention and say sweet nothings,

let them draw a wedge between us.

Sad.

Lame.

Do not stand up for me.

Do not allow your eyes to see.

I do not deserve to be ignored.

I do not deserve to have a relationship pushed aside time and time again

because of given attention.

You get new friends.

I stand here hurt

because I feel used, abused, forfeited to have something else.

One day we'll look back and say what happened.

I'll look back to these moments

when I was hung out to dry

and I might walk away.

I might stay.

But I could not believe how little worth I had to you

to be disposed of so easily.

I am supposed to be happy with my life now right?

I have a person to treat me right.

School is right there.

A good paying job.

A family that loves me.

.......so why am must I feel horrible....

Unafraid to tell you what others are thinking

I am the one who pays for it.

Caring for others,

Incidentally getting what others wanted and want...

why must I feel horrible.

Just move along

like you are already doing.

I do not know who you are turning into,

where everyone is going,

but I -

I am here.

Do you remember I'm here?

North of you. West of your future.

When the Air Comes Inside

Mommy. To me a giant hug. To others a check.

Body. To me a temple. To others a seduction.

Mind. What draws people to me.

Music. My infatuation. To others the vibrations to hear in my ride.

Clothes. My expression. To others a competition.

Mouth. My communication. To others so to kiss.

Help. What I offer. What others choose not to take.

What happens if I weren't there?

A late night phone call can tear over good.

Guts is self-respect.

For granted is what buys things.

Your friends are what should free to tell you anything

so that maybe

it'll give you food for thought.

A good person pushes the limits

to continue talking; not bow down.

Deep down is something special.

Once a person can realize they are worth

more than they ask,

and realize the people

around them realize this,

only then do wings spread to

take flight.

Breathe for a second.

When the air comes

inside,

when your mind clears,

what is it that you want?

Don't sell yourself short

because you are the most important

thing that matters first.

Everything else

comes after.

Lies

Hey

the first word of the sweet nothings to inflitrate

my head

my soul

my heart.

So you wanna let loose do u?

You wanna move forward?

Time no longer keeps us in the same spot anymore.

All the lies

that slid so sweetly and slowly

have wasted a

good part of my life.

Here is to time.

A toast for keeping our

lives on separate planes,

for letting

it be easier to

move on into the lives of

sweet boys.

and one

sweetheart who refuses

to lie.

To be real

needs no

fabrication.

Here

Here, is me.

Sometimes in bows, some days in sparkles.

My eyes are always thinking, my stance always loose and ready.

Call. I answer.

Text. I respond.

Cry. I come to lend my shoulder.

Cough. I offer my care.

Empty pocket. I provide.

Full pocket. I still provide.

Here, is me.

Boots on my feet, scent in the air,

idea in mind, keys in hand, gum in my bag.

I am here to let my vibrations change your mood, and

to create a beautiful story.

I want adventure and I am here to bring you along.

Here, is me.

Open ears, open mouth, open mind.

Waiting.

Always waiting.

So if I'm here

...where are you?

When my smile quivers, my swagger slows down,

my eyes gleam my thoughts.

I pull my hair back

wondering

where you are.