So I decided to tie a rubber band to my wrist. Maybe behavior modification can occur and I can stop. Otherwise I spend my day saying ‘ugh’ every time something pops into my head. It’s hard. I never thought I would experience this much hurt. Not on a first relationship. Heck, I did not even expect to be getting into a relationship at the start of summer. I for sure thought it would be a couple years into college when someone would show up and be worth my while.
This was unexpected. But it was a good unexpected when it was still going on. It’s something you don’t plan for. But I guess a person never plans for these things now do they?
It’s weird because when things are good they’re good. I guess it’s worth the risk. I know he’s worth the risk of a broken heart. Or he was. I don’t know which anymore. Everything is just so complicated these days. What do you mean when you say I was clingy when I wasn’t until after the break-up? When I was trying not to lose you? Did you know that? I was trying not to lose you but in the end I did. Not as a friend apparently but as a possible boyfriend I did. Or did I? all I want is to clear things up because nothing has been finished. Yes our understanding of where we are at is finished but those conversations aren’t. I feel like there are still things to be answered. Things I need to know. Words have gone unspoken for the sake of what?
When you broke up with me first it was because things were stressful and you were busy. You thought you were being a terrible boyfriend and that I deserved someone who could give me all the attention I deserved as an "incredible girl" or whatever. We would be friends because you like talking to me and hanging out and I’m like the coolest girl you know or so you had said. I was like your best friend. The second time was because I had to make the wrong joke. A joke that reminded you someone you obviously did not want to be reminded of. She did something to you and I do not know what. But I am not her. I am not the same person. I do not want to hurt you. Things were so busy I couldn’t talk things out. I couldn’t work things out. I couldn’t fix what happened.
The next thing I know it’s like a second break-up. But why? Because I would be going to a big time university before you came back. The thought that perhaps I would cheat on you or find someone better was your reasoning. I’m a gorgeous girl you said and thus there would be men after me. And you couldn’t have me coming back to town just to see you. I’m sure. Before we even got together the thought was fine; things would work out. I say bull to those words. And our conversation couldn’t finish because again you had to get back to work.
Time passes and things seem fine but what the heck are we doing now that I’m staying. What would that mean? Does that change anything? I have no idea. Finally we hang out. Finally we’re talking. Finally you’re back. But you can’t like me like a girlfriend. But hey let’s text you four days later like old pals. Let’s not finish another conversation of discussing the fact that I was not clingy.
What sucks is wanting to talk to you about everything. I never met someone who could get me so well. I can talk to you and you will tell me what I don’t want to hear but they I should hear. It irritates me but in the end somehow you’re right and it makes sense. It gets me thinking more. And when I talk to you the troubles I say don’t hold stress anymore. It’s like having a weight lifted off of my shoulders. You’re the one I want to run to when things get tough. And it sucks because I don’t know if I can do that anymore.
All summer I was hoping things would work out and that you wouldn’t hate me for that miscommunication. Well apparently you don’t hate me but the other hope is gone.
This summer has just been so crazy. These last five years have been so crazy.
When you told me you didn’t like me as a girlfriend and that you didn’t mean to lead me on my heart sunk. But when you gave your supposed reason I started laughing. Not just about that lameness of the reason but because of life. I f"d things up majorly. I feel like maybe I made the wrong decision but then again after these few days maybe I didn’t. Everything was just hilarious. All the stupid stuff I have had to put up with and endure in order to get somewhere was just hysterical. Like my life is s**t but in a comical way. Then as the day progressed it was like “wow, my life is s**t” in a sad and upsettingly frustrating way.
What do I do with myself now? I drink energy drinks and listen to Party Like A Rockstar because there is no way I can listen to country music when I am this emotionally unstable.
You know, I talked to a lot of people this summer about life and love. I learned a lot of insight about college and a lot about relationships. My point is, this relationship seemed genuine and real. It seemed like something rare. Like something you dream about getting. But I guess it was just too good to be true. It was a teaser in my life. Let’s make her experience something good and then take it away. Let’s give her something good and have her act a fool and lose it. I get a boy and lose him all in one summer.
But it’s the time we were together that sticks in my head. Like a broken record player skipping over and over in my head of how wonderful this summer started. I was a girl who graduated all decked out at the ceremony because I accomplished what I set out to do. I was ready to go to college and make my parents proud. I had been talking to you through text because out of the blue you popped into my life. You found out about prom and you wrote your number on a pink post it with an exclamation mark. You left it with my mother who gave it to me. I put the number in my phone but I didn’t text. You did that. You got my number from your uncle who had it because of my sister a month prior.
Before you know it you and I were talking. I didn’t think much of it at first. How could you like me? I though you didn’t even know me. But you called me cutie and you said you liked me since freshman year.
Yes I remember you then. We were square dancing and you introduced yourself, shaking my hand in the process. You were the only guy to ever do that but it stuck in my head. I thought “wow he’s cute and he wanted to know who I was”. But I didn’t think you could like me. Who could like me?! I looked for you after that but then dance unit ended and I forgot. I heard about you through the years from my mother. She always wanted us to date. My sister did too once she met you.
SO we hung out. We drove around and talked about everything and anything. I didn’t want it to end but I didn’t want to bug you and I did have a girls night to attend to. There were many sweet things said and many acts done that showed we cared about each other. Finally we became a couple and things were good. In fact, things went fast. Emotionally but not physically which kind of made me like you that much more. You weren’t expecting anything. You liked me for who I was and that was enough.
I’ll never forget that last full day we had together because that was the day of the perfect moment. Now I only know one person who says a perfect moment can happen with anyone. And I know others who say it only happens with one person. Or maybe it wasn’t a perfect moment. I don’t know what it is anymore but for now it was a perfect moment. We were stuck in the heat in the orchards and we broke my car from you teaching me how to drive a manual. I had been just starting to do well with my car too ha. A guy starts to help him figure it out by checking under the hood. I sat down in the front seat with my legs out of the car and head leaning against the headrest in hopelessness. And that’s when it happened. You boys were standing away from the car looking at it and talking when you looked at me, smiled and winked. Something clicked in my head at that moment. Like everything was in ruins around me but everything was so perfect all at the same time. I wouldn’t have wanted to be with anyone else in that moment than you.You kept me calm and took control. The heat didn’t matter. The car didn’t matter. It was just like “alright. Alright I can do this. I can be with him”. Maybe this moment really is nothing. Maybe it will always be just a memory that I can’t forget. But it still happened.
So what is it? Are you just too busy for me? Are you just not at a stage in your life to be able to have a girlfriend as serious as me? What is it? I don’t mind being friends if that’s all I can get. But when things happen in my life there is only one person I really want to tell. And maybe that’s not the same for you.
But, I remember you calling me after a day of work though. You were driving home at the time and you had a real bad time with the guys at the station. I could tell you were po'd and that was probably the first time I ever heard you cuss. Lol. But the reception went out though. Point of the matter is you called to tell me your problems. You wanted to talk to me. I thought you were more open to me than I was to you. There was no problem in your telling me what was on your mind. Sometimes I thought twice about telling you what was on my mind but I would give in. I couldn’t keep anything back from you.
It was weird how well we got each other. I knew you were tired when you wouldn’t admit it on the phone and you knew when I was holding something back or felt bad about something. I knew when something was on your mind or bugging you. Ditto back. I wish I could take away your stress and your worries. I wish I could take back any pain you felt. But for you past is past no worries.
You offered to give up a shift to come see me. You thought of driving all the way back from your brother's to see me as well. You couldn’t wait for me to get back from Pismo Beach.
What I’m trying to say is I miss you. It was hard. I became a gumchewer, I didn’t eat much, and I was always actively doing something. I would read and pace. I would hike. I would take long walks. You saw me one day and that made me happy. You have no idea how much better of a mood I am in when I am with you.
You branded me with all sorts of stuff rather quickly. I got a shirt, you lent me a book, and I got a sticker. I gave you a pen. Ha.
"He ain’t feeling anything. My love my hurt or the sting of this rain. I’m living in a hurricane and all he can say is man ain’t it such a nice day. Hey hey I guess we’ll just go to waste like dead flowers." (Miranda Lambert - Dead Flowers)
I shouldn’t be trying to analyze everything but that’s who I am; an analyzer. What sucks is you're an analyzer as well. It’s all very confusing. I wish there was someone I could talk to who talks to you too. You have my sister.
You called her a couple days before our second break. Then you called her right before you called me and again right after you called me. I don’t know too much on what was talked about but there were some comments as to me being a goody goody, and my sister telling you that there are few people I trust. That when I trust them I give them my all; I would walk through fire for them. But what else was said? Why can’t you tell me? Why didn’t you tell me? Not only that but then she tells you not to tell me that you talked to me. And she waits a while before she even tells me that you got a hold of her. What was the text you sent her that got her mad? I want to know. Do I need to know? It might help me cope. It might help me deal.
It might help me understand why I lost you. Did I? how is it possible for a guy to break-up with a girl and yet talk about it with the sister? What is the point behind it? You obviously aren’t sure of what you are doing if you have to discuss it with someone else; especially when that person isn’t me. Do you just feel bad that I had to put up with this?
So now that we are going to be friends because I’m just a cool person, I begin to wonder how things will work. What will define our friendship and will you ever talk to me again? How weird will things be when you see my mother and sister or if I run into you in town though I doubt that will happen since it seems everyone else sees you but me. I wonder a lot and maybe that is not a good thing. Maybe one day this will all be easier. Maybe I do need to find someone else. But I don’t think that will happen for a long while.
You, the cowboy Casanova, will be able to find your next girl easy though. I hope she treats you right. But I will warn you she won’t be as smart as me nor as patient. I hope she can make you laugh like I did. Or more. You told me I was one of the few people who could make you laugh and that that was a good thing. You also told me that you could have a awful day and talk to me for five seconds and you would feel better.
I miss you. I was falling for you. And you, you were something unexpected.
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